I am just back from Egypt, one of the most exhausting and interesting holidays of my life. I had to sleep extra long for about a week to recover from the lack of it.
And I keep reliving and dreaming of what had happened. Last night I had to waken myself up to tell myself that the dream I was in was not real and that it was only a dream.
I had got off our boat, walked along wooden duckboards for a few yards and turned round to find the boat sailing away. I did wonder if it would turn round and come back for me but it sailed off regardless leaving me alone in silence. Behind me I noticed that the the duckboards were slowly being covered in water. The atmosphere was reminiscent of the Lemony Snicket film “A series of unfortunate events”.
I then found myself on another ship with a pointed bow as I went up and down spiral staircases watching the ship about to dock and a tender preparing itself to disembark the passengers. There was no dock, just some partially submerged rocks in a dead calm sea with the hint of a mist developing.
I was working out how I could meet up with Sylvie and how I could catch up with her in Cairo when I woke up.
And no, as I was asked by Norman, I was not taking any strange mind altering substances when I dreamt the above.
1 Never go into pub which has a Budweiser or Millar neon sign in the window.
2 Never drink in a pub with no plaster on the walls. Ask yourself if this is because the pub floods frequently or is it because of the behaviour of the regulars. If you think it is the first then check the weather forecast and if the second look for tell tale signs such as the condition of the furniture or if bloodstains have not been hosed off the walls properly. Broken teeth in the ashtray are a sure giveaway. Leave quickly even if it means you haven't finished your drink.
3 You never get anything worthwhile in a potpourri shop. Not even potpourri. This is in fact an Ekin Law but I thought I would put it in here anyway.
4 You can tell in advance when a check-in person, gateman or security more-than -my-job's-worth is going to let you on, in or through, by the fixed look of concentration on their faces as they try to remember or invent an arcane rule or regulation never used until you came along.
5 In Northern Ireland you will always be asked to fill in a "wee" form or a piece of paper no matter how large it is.That is if you are required to fill in a form or a piece of paper.
6 Bus drivers never have enough small change. They are either eternal optimists or inutterably stupid. Do they start the working days chanting a mantra that everyone will have the right change? Surely it is not beyond the wit of the transport organisation to hire a mathematical or computer genius aged 14, bung him a Big Mac, plug in his iPod and give him some glue to sniff, to help him invent a complicated algorithm or a simple rule of thumb for a small change float to stop bus drivers saying "give it to you later mate". This is especially annoying when you are the last passenger to get on a non-stop express bus.
7 Bus timetables in the North of Ireland bear no relation to reality. Buses are entered in timetables that never arrive. The buses I mean not the timetables. That is bad enough but what really gets up my nose is when the bus turns up early. You may well ask what is wrong with that and I will say nothing, so long as the bus does not leave early. Ulsterbus drivers have honed this habit to such a level that I think it is incorporated into the terms and conditions of their contract. They probably get a bonus.
8 The time taken to get through a supermarket queue is always longer than the time you have. This is always the case at lunchtime or if you are getting a bus, which will have gone anyway if you are using Ulsterbus.
9 The "max 10 items" aisle in a supermarket always takes longer than the normal one even though you are behind someone with a large full shopping trolley.
10 The person who opens a new till in a supermarket never invites the second person in the old queue to join his empty one. I know you can come up with reasons why he doesn't do this such as the second person has the items he wants to get scanned laid out on the belt but what about the third person in the full queue? And what about the person behind you who jumps in front of you? Hanging is too good for him.
Motoring
1 If you ever ask for directions never trust any directions which include the words " You can't miss it"
Trust me, you will.
2 Never let out a Mercedes, BMW or taxi driver from a minor road or junction. They need no help as they will bully their way out anyway. I added Audi to this list until I started to drive an Audi. But what the hell add Audi to your list as long as you let out an off-white ancient Audi with me in it.
I would like to add an addition to the above, as prompted by Michael MacDonald Esquire, not to allow out a smoking 4X4 mobile phone user. I presume Mr McDonald was referring to the driver of the aforementioned horseless carriage as being the smoker and not the 4X4,even though it would give me great pleasure if it was the mobile phone or the vehicle which was smoking.
I would like to add an exclusion to the BMW drivers mentioned above. Please do show Paul every respect as he was most upset that he was included in the general rule outlined above. He would never indulge in any behaviour which would lead to anyone reacting as advised. I would like to further extend this apology to anyone who drives any marque in a good mannered and civilised way.
3 Think twice before you pull in on a narrow road to allow cars approaching you to get past. Never expect to get an acknowledgement of your helpfulness. They regard it as a sign of weakness. They have won in the game of chicken they are playing in their twisted minds.
This is especially important if you drive in Co. Tyrone, Northern Ireland.
Michael MacDonald in a comment he has left,seems to put the blame upon the lack of investment in the road infrastructure in Co.Tyrone. I beg to differ. It is simple bad manners. Or "ignorance" as they label it in Norn Iron.
4 A "Baby on board" sign on the rear window of a car guarantees two things.
First the driver, guaranteed to be a mother, will be travelling faster than the speed limit because the little darling or darlings are late for school.
Secondly the little darling will be sitting in the front seat despite the fact that little darling is too small to benefit from the seat belt which little darling is guaranteed not to be wearing.
These laws are not what you would call the outcome of deep research but rather the result of painful experience.
Meeting people
1 Never arrange to meet anyone outside - it is bound to rain or snow, or the place is used as a wind tunnel research facility for the car industry.
2 If you do arrange a meeting either inside or outside always bring with you something to read.
3 Either or both of the two parties will be late.
4 Always be sure which entrance/exit of hotel, railway station, pub, shopping centre, you have arranged to meet. You will never be at the right one if you don't fix this in advance.
5 Make sure that there are no other pubs or streets with the same name because if there are you will always be at the wrong one.
6 Er Um. That's it for the moment. Meet you soon.
Below you will find two parts of Norman Ekin's Laws based upon years of painstaking impartial observation and detailed research.
It is a sociologically important document and in no way is anti women or sexist.
Read, think and comment if you agree or rabidly disagree.
Please add your own laws and if I find they fit in with my own observations, or dare I say, prejudices, I will publish.
Supermarkets
01 Double-size items are often dearer than two small ones.
02 If you can’t find something you need, you are looking at it -
(but it looks entirely different from what you expected it to look like).
03 Never join a check-out queue either because it is the shortest, or because
it has the least number of items piled up on the belt, but rather seek out the most intelligent-looking and hard-working checkout operator.
04 Women are invariably surprised by the check-out operator’s request for
payment, and only begin searching for their purse upon this prompting.
05 Women are only capable of making payment using the lowest denomination coins in their possession.
Motoring
01 A Woman Driver will sit contentedly behind you for 50 miles or more, patiently awaiting the most dangerous place or time to overtake.
02 Women Drivers use their interior mirrors solely for checking their hair & makeup, often whilst driving.
03 If you try to re-enter a lane after having pulled out and overtaken many of the slow-moving vehicles in it, only a Woman Driver will let you back in.
04 Tail-gaters are either aggressive middle-aged men who are certain they can stop in time, or ditzy young women who don’t realise they might have to.
05 All BMW drivers are Boy Racers (even when they are women).
06 You never see a Merc in a hurry in Norhern Ireland (in the South its different).
07 The best drivers on the road are tanker drivers, closely followed by (most)
long-distance HGV / PSV drivers.
08 The worst drivers on the road are White Van Men, closely followed by
(most) taxi drivers.
09 Beware Drivers Wearing Hats.
10 If the car with which you almost collided is already damaged, the damage will be exactly at the point at which you would have hit it.
11 Slow night drivers on country roads never use their main-beam headlights, so that no-one can see far enough ahead to safely overtake them.
12 If you unexpectedly come across a slow-moving vehicle on the motorway and are unable to overtake it immediately, you will have to wait for ever while the 2,000 cars behind you successively overtake you from the back of the queue.
13 If you only let one other driver into your lane, he will drive so far behind the
car in front that the entire other lane eventually filters in.
